By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) -
There was a time a few years ago when Uwe Boll was every movie critic’s favorite punching bag, which mostly coincided with the time his movies were actually making it into theaters. Now that that isn’t the case anymore, he’s mostly been relegated to making low-budget, nonsensical sequels to his own films.
In the Name of the King 2 involves time-traveling Dolph Lundgren
Boll’s essentially a living, breathing parody of Hollywood excess… so much so that I’m starting to wonder if he’s some sort of supernatural genius who works with levels of sarcasm us mere mortals cannot comprehend. Or he’s really unbelievably deluded. Either way, I present you the strongest argument for both: Blubberella.
I’ll get to further explanation in a second, but first I have to toast the fact that Boll’s attempts at comedy (this and Postal, so far) are still more enjoyable than whatever Seltzer and Friedberg keep coming up with, and those fuckers are richer than Midas.
According to box office receipts, this is what the 99% actually wants
Last year, Boll released another cut-rate sequel: Bloodrayne: The Third Reich, which I thought would make a good review. However, all I got out of that one was the existence of Blubberella … a nearly shot-for-shot parody of it filmed at the same time and using the same cast and crew. The main change: replacing the hot protagonist with an overweight girl. Yes, Uwe Boll took some poor bastard’s shitty script, threw in some fat jokes, and voila! Two movies for the price of one.
His own parody of his own (second) sequel to his own bad video game movie… eat your heart out Hollywood!
A morbidly obese vampire, a man in blackface, and Uwe Boll in a Hitler costume play Risk… there’s no punch line to that, which is something this scene has in common with the rest of the film. This is lowest common denominator comedy: fat jokes, gay jokes, pop culture references, and AM radio show sound effects. On the plus side, somehow there’s only one fart joke!
This would seem ripe for fart joke exploitation
Besides the girl who plays Blubberella, the only other acting addition I noticed from Bloodrayne: The Third Reich was the guy who played Vadge, the comic wildcard. Even trying to remember Blubberella’s lack of charisma and comic timing is making me depressed, and Vadge’s Andy Dick-lite schtick is only slightly less offensive than his (entirely separate from the above) blackface Mo’Nique impression.
Clint Howard. You’ll recognize him from tons of bit roles as various creepsters, and he gets to play a suspiciously accented Nazi scientist in this one. Instead of a script, I’m pretty sure Boll just handed him a lab coat and a large ham. He’s also notable as a living reminder to the Howard clan of what awaits them all. They apparently have a genetic time bomb that goes off at 35, and you’ve got to wonder what is going to happen to Bryce Dallas Howard when she hits that age.
It’s not going to be pretty
The toughest thing to deal with in this film is the fact that even Boll can’t figure out how to stretch this concept into a feature length (hour and twenty minute-ish) movie. So, he just lifts entire scenes from the original movie and makes you sit through them again. If you’ve already seen Bloodrayne 3 for some reason, this turns Blubberella into a grueling endurance test.
If you really want to punish yourself, grab twelve beers and watch Bloodrayne: The Third Reich and this back to back.
Bonus Drinking Game
This drinking game was engineered to work for both films. L’chaim!
Take a Drink: for every piece of dialogue that makes you cringe
Take a Drink: every time you hear some version of the word ‘vampire’
Drink a Shot: ever time Clint Howard does/says something bizarre